Sunday, October 2, 2016

I can see clearly now

I can see clearly now. Okay so the title of this post can be a little deceiving. Am I meaning literally, or figuratively? Well, both! I've attached some cutie little pictures of my new glasses from which I love love love. But thats not really why I am here. I am here because I've been promising my side of the story for far far far too long. 

Where do I begin? In an effort to not place blame or throw anyone under any buses (Regina George went through that for us) for anything they've said or done I will do my best to keep this as positive and constructive as I can. With that said, why am I here? I am here to share my hurt & my struggle to hopefully help someone who may be struggling with something similar. I am here to share how I turned my situation into an opportunity for growth. 

If you have followed my social media for a while you will know that I was in an on again off again relationship with my baby's dad for a long long time... 3.5 years, but who's really counting? oh me, that's who. We ended our relationship briefly after I gave birth to our perfect little baby! He initiated the end of our relationship because he felt we deserved more than what we had together. That was insane amounts of hard for me to hear, I am the kind of girl who will stay in something & stick it out no matter how hard it may be. And I will give it my all to a fault. Was he right that we had run our course? He was, and I knew then and there when things were ending that it was what needed to happen. That didn't make it any easier, especially as I was stepping into the role of motherhood for the first time. And i was TERRIFIED to do it alone. This new role seemed quite impossible to figure out without the constant support and encouragement of someone who was, in my naive opinion, supposed to be there by my side no matter how hard things were. I will not discredit my baby's dad for his efforts, he did what he felt was his best. Unfortunately, to be frank, his best wasn't good enough for me. This is probably what the main catalyst of our ending our life together was, I always needed more than I was given & I felt that translated in my need as a mother as well. 

Months passed & we began getting into a co-parenting groove while still living together (we both agreed that being with our Q for the day to day was important for her and for us to continue to build our relationship with her in her infant state). Just as I felt things were in a smooth easy groove there it was, the truth I had known for a very very long time smacking me right in the face via text. While my baby's dad & I were not together, there was a sense of family that I felt was there as we shared our lives together. Things that were agreed upon when we ended things, yet decided to continue to live together, seemed logical & easy for me to keep on my end. Unfortunately as hard as you try to keep your "family" intact things change, people change and they move on and situations change. 

When you have an idea of what your life is supposed to look like and someone else comes into your world to change that idea & to change it's course, it can seem like THE worst thing that could ever happen to you. Losing "MY family," having it break apart in a way that I did not expect and with factors that seemed almost impossible to forgive seemed like something I could not get over. Like ever. I was mad, okay, I was irate. I felt betrayed, I felt stupid, but mostly I was worried. I was worried that my baby wasn't going to have a functioning family. I let that tear me apart for a very very long time. I was sad that I lost my person. I was hurt & pissed at myself for trusting people in my life to hold up their end of our friendship. I talked, and I talked a lot. I shared my frustrations of my situation with anyone who would hear it. I took my feelings to the internet. I said terrible mean things. I cried, a lot. I put blame where it was not intended. I worked a lot. I stopped eating. Yep, I was so upset I was physically ill & could not stomach much of anything. Months of back and forth with this mess, that I helped perpetuate, tore me apart. It continued to tear my now non functioning family apart. I lost so much more than this family I wanted so badly. I lost my life. This thing consumed me, it changed me. While I was in the thick of it I became someone I never even knew I could be. I always did my best to take responsibility for my wrong doings, for the things I said and for the people I often purposefully hurt. I figured if I would hurt anyone involved should get to feel what I felt. I realize now how selfish I was. 

After the dust settled, and we all took a step back and took the space we needed, and we all made efforts in healing, things became so clear. At least for me. Sometimes you need to go through the fire of hell and get burned (so many damn times) to become refined. I realize now how miserable I let myself be. I let myself be this miserable by holding on to something that wasn't real. I had this idea of what a family should be. I was so hard on myself for not being able to give my baby a functioning family with a loving mom & dad. But as hard & different as it is, we are a family. Love in this family is not shared by a mom and a dad. Instead all the love we've got is channeled to that perfect baby we share. 

I said this changed me, and boy, it did. I went from someone who I thought was strong enough to face anything, to someone I never wanted to be, and now I am someone I can be proud of again. So how in the literal hell did I do it?? Honestly, I don't even know, I just did. I applied a few of the following things to my situation and found my way out.

 You are stronger than you think you are. You will be faced with things you never imagined, things you do not think you can face & survive. Your struggles are preparing you for even harder times. The thing you consider the hardest to face will most likely not be the hardest thing you will endure. All of our struggles are preparing us to make it through harder things. You are stronger than you know, do not let the person you are become a person you don't want to be. Do not let your struggles define you.

 Be patient with yourself, you are doing your best. Even if your best feels like your worst give yourself credit, and give yourself time, healing sometimes comes slowly. DO not rush your progress. Take it one step at a time. 

Be Honest
Be honest with yourself. What do you want? why do you want it? is this worth it? and is this ultimately what you want your life to be? Sometimes we know the truth but are too afraid to admit it, even to ourselves. Ask yourself these questions in whatever situation you are currently in & BE HONEST with yourself.

 Silence is golden they say, idk who they are but they are on to something. Sometimes keeping the hurt and anger you have to yourself is the hardest thing you can do. Find someone you can trust and confide in. Talking your mouth off will not help your situation (I'm living proof), it may help you feel justified (it did) and help you to get it out in the moment, but in the end talking, unless it is to the person who you feel said way about isn't constructive. If you don't have something nice to say, definitely don't say it on the internet. 

 Forgiveness is hard, I am still working on this one. I have a different approach to this one than many would. There is a saying, "forgive & forget." Well I don't entirely agree with this statement. Forgiveness is important & it is mostly for your benefit, when you forgive someone who hurt you, you are able to let go of the hard and hurtful feelings you have. I do not think forgetting is necessary, under one condition, use the remembrance of what was done to you to NEVER let anyone, yourself included, hurt you in that way again. Use it as a tool to build more strength. 

 Something I wish I would have adapted to this situation as it was unfolding is perspective. I was very caught up in how was affected, how I was treated, and did not choose to acknowledge that I wasn't the only one with a story. Taking on the perspective of someone who is involved in your struggle can help you gain clarity. Clarity of intention. There are 3 sides to every story, yours, theirs, and what actually happened. Keep that in mind. 

 If you situation continues to hurt you and you feel there is no way out. Make a way out. We all have a choice, no one is forcing you to stay in your situation. No matter how involved you think you may be, you always always have a choice to move on. Get yourself out of the hurt that is around you. Do everything you can to move on from your situation. Get up and walk away. Whatever that means to you, know that you have the strength to move on.

Now what? Now I move on with my life, the way I should have so long ago. Now I will demand more of that I need and more of what I deserve from everyone in my life. I will continue to work hard to provide and support for my baby & I will do my very best to coparent in a positive way. All I want is for my baby to know her parents have a mutual respect each other, and that we love her so damn much and that's what I am striving for moving forward. I am stronger than I was before, I will continue to be strong, I will be an example of hard work and a strong confident woman so my baby will learn how to do the same. I will strive to be a peacemaker in my home & I will do my best to trust those who haven't earned it.

Mic Drop 

dress: cotton on // shoes: c/o famous footwear // glasses: c/o glasses shop  // backpack: forever 21 similar // choker: be more collection

photos: shleeeeeeee

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Monday, September 26, 2016

Walk the Walk

So if you ever frequent Downtown Provo you've probably seen this girl and her stroller. It's ME! No but really, I am always walking around this little town! Usually to Sodalicious... okay always to Sodalicious. I started walking a lot when the Queen was about 5 months, she was waking up regularly at 7am & I was not about that life, but like whatcha gonna do?! So we walked.. and walked and walked and walked (get it?).  We started walking 1 mile a day, then 2 miles a day & then before I knew it we were walking 4-6 miles a day. Who had I become? For 2 straight months I would walk miles on miles with my baby. As summer came in hot (getit?!) we started walking less and swimming more. Boy did I miss it!! I am sooooo excited that with Fall here the mornings are getting chillier and the days have a freshness about them! We are back at it with my City Select Stroller because it is the freaking best, so versatile. I can legit turn her around to see me when I need a Queen fix (which is basically always) and it fold up super easy. I know my little is excited too! To say the Queen loves walks is an understatement! If you don't believe me you've never seen my snap chat. She is literally me. She is nosey, she has a staring problem and she lives to be outside. oh, and she loves french fries. So there you have it! If you need us we will be strolling the streets in style. Say hi if you see us, but don't honk bc I can't handle honkers. ya feel?

top: be more collection // pants: asos // boots: mindy mae's market // stroller: city select

pictures: shleeee
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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Rock Your Body....Suit

Oh Heeeeeeey there! It's HUMPDAY! The week is half way over and I feel like I've already taken over the world. So you know that's like reeeeal good. Many of you know I own a clothing collection called Be More & I have been busting my buns working on growing it the past couple of months like reeeeeally bustin & I am so excited for all of the awesomeness coming with it! Something that is important to me with the brand is not only providing on trend affordable pieces but being able to give back! I am working on a project with a few different influencers and we are so excited because we will be giving 100% of the proceeds of this project to our scholarship fund! SOOOOO excited! So yeah, anyway that's something to watch for! If you want to be apart of the project send me a lil email to & i'll give you the dets! Also exciting..... these Body Suits from Be More! I love them so much! I legit feel like I am wearing a onesie and that I match the Queen like 100. So maybe check them out?! & get a good ol discount for my HUMPDAY sale! bc why the hell not. Scroll to the end of the post to get the code. 

take 30% off your be more collection order with code humpday

photos: shleeeeee

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Friday, September 16, 2016

Walking to running in 10 months flat

Happy 10 months to The Queen. what in the literal hell. How? How is she so big? she is 10 months going on 20 I swear. Her newest trick is walking. She took interest in walking holding both of your hands starting at 7 months. yes, before she was even crawling I was convinced she would just skip crawling all together, but she still enjoys a good crawl. At about 9.5 months she started taking one or two steps and then gave up. 2 weeks later the girl wants to walk 500 miles. (get it?!) She is the funnest little angel and the happiest human i know. seriously she is always happy. how is she mine? idk. That's a fun update on The Queen! As for me I have just been busy doing whatever it is i do. Working and bossing people around. I'd say I am quite good at it. I am finally feeling like ME again! and its about freaking time. Postpartum is almost at a year, i've lost my baby weight (praise) and I am finally enjoying getting dressed again. I am loving all of the fall trends & I am excited that I will be bringing you more! And more of The Queen's style along with awesome things from Be More! So so so many things. If you've followed my instagram you know some video's are coming! Hold on to your seats for those. My personal life is about to get real public & vulnerability is at an all time high. So stay tuned for that, but until then, check out my first fall look featuring the Play Ball Cap from my Be More Collection. NOW on!! 

top: cotton on // pants: asos // shoes: Adidad Neo c/o famous footwear // hat: c/o be more collection on // 
top: c/o june & january // shorts (cut from jeans & diy frayed): target // shoes: c/o famous footwear //  bow: c/o everly avenue

photos: shleeee

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Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Life's Messes & a $250 Sam's Club Giveaway

Life with a baby is........ in one word, messy. I never in my wildest dreams imagined the messes I would clean up from having a tiny infant human. From milk to toys, from poop on my carpet (that's the realest stuff there is) to crumbs in the car seat. Life with a baby is messy business. While I am all about those baby wipes, sometimes you need something a little stronger & a little softer to get the job done. Puff's Plus with Lotion is my newest go to product. I've got a box in my car, my office (everyday is take your kid to work day when you're a working mom!), the stroller, baaasically in room in the house & always on the go. Where there is a baby, there is a mess & these tissues are there to come to my rescue! Thankfully the Puffs Plus with lotion now comes in a 10 pack that you can pick up at Sam's Club! Why have 1 when you really need 10, am I right?! Q and I went for a little picnic this week and these Puffs Plus with Lotion saved me as there was a major milk malfunction *cue milk faced baby* Then BAM, just as we were packing up this cutie threw up all over our picnic blanket & these tissues came to the rescue! Sorry about your blanket Shleeee ;). All in all I'm stoked to have found this awesome product and for such a great deal at SAM's Club. Join me and Sam's Club for a $250 giveaway?? Click on this link >>>> Puffs Plus Lotion  & enter to WIN now!!

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Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Girls Night In & a $400 Room Make Over Giveaway

Last weekend I was able to get together with a few girlfriends for a fun Girls Night In! I have been working on healthy eating & I thought I would put my skills to the test on my girls! I wanted to set the mood, so I set up some Enbrighten CafĂ© Lights by Jasco! They have recently been released & I was so impressed at how easy they were to install. I hate putting holes with nails in my walls and they are light enough to just use a push pin for support! My little Q joined us for dinner & she was completely enamored by the lights! I was worried about her grabbing for them, but the LED lighting doesn't make the bulbs hot at all! So grab away little one, grab away! Also when I was setting up I had a little slip up & the lights completely fell out of my hand & hit the ground, I was ready for a shattered bulb and an inconvenient clean up, but NOPE! These things hit & no breakage, oh how I love the durability. Once every thing was set up the ladies showed up & we had a great time catching up & eating great (if I do say so myself) food! The Enbrighten Cafe Lights were just what we needed to set the mood! I would be lying if I said they weren't still in my kitchen. Who knows, they may become a permanent fixture! Enbrighten your life & enter to win a $400 Room or Patio Makeover! Follow the link here >>> Cafe Lights Giveaway

Cafe Lights: By Jasco

Make Sure to enter the  Cafe Lights Giveaway HERE!

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Sunday, April 17, 2016

Single ladies, you're doing just fine.

I grew up as an only child, I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember being in daycare and pre-school from a very young age. If I remember correctly I was about 18 months when I was fully enrolled in a care program. Both of my parents worked to make ends meet, as many middle class parents do. My mom has worked for as long as I can remember, and she has worked hard. I remember being about 12 or so and thinking about my future family and saying, "I will never work as a mom, I want to stay at home with my kids". It was something I never had, so I wanted to make sure my kids had me. How naive was I? I also thought I would be married in my early 20's and start having babies by 23. hahaha. Oh Tara. As my life happened and I reached my mid 20's I thought, woe is me, I will never get married, I will never have kids.. blah blah blah I was feeling bad for myself being a mid 20's LDS girl, being left behind by all of my friends who seemed to just get lucky and find "the one" while I wrestled through on again off again relationships. Poor Tara. I spent so much of my life trying to find someone I forgot to be some one. I won't go much into finding myself, because, lets be real, that is an ongoing search. I will say this. I found myself in my career, I cultivated my career, I put everything in to it, and into helping others work toward their dream.

I was in full focus on career mode when I found out I was pregnant. I had literally been telling my clients for a few months that I never thought kids would be in my future. Little did I know......I thought for sure having a baby, having my baby, would derail my dreams, my ambitions, and force me to have to step back from my work, from my identity. Here I am with a 5 month old little angel, and here I am with my dreams, my aspirations and my career fully intact. Becoming a mom has helped me to prioritize my dreams & to make the time I spend working as profitable and meaningful as I possibly can. Now, I am blessed with a career that is flexible, I am my own boss, I make my own hours, I set my times off. I am lucky to often work from home when necessary, and I have a partner who's schedule permits me to be able to take time away, and nanny's who I trust fully to step in when needed. I know many do not have that privilege. Do not let that discourage you from finding and having dreams & making them realities!!

When I am working at my salon I often find myself on my "salon chair soapbox". I work with many young women who often confide in me how unsettled they are in their lives because they are not wives or mothers. Ladies, I have been there. I do not boss you around and tell you to find yourselves because I am a know it all. I do it because I do not want anyone to have to suffer the torment I put myself, and often societal factors put on me to FIND SOMEONE. It took me (and is still taking me 20ish) years to cultivate who I am. And guess what I AM STILL SINGLE, and that's okay! There are many women I know who were girls when they got married and even started a family, it has worked for them. That is not for everyone, and that is okay! Biologically, it has been found that as women our brains are not fully developed until we are 25 years old. 25 YEARS OLD PEOPLE. How can we be expected to know what we want or who we want to be at the ripe old age of 18, when we finish high school and go off to "start our lives"?

We are living in a social media society. Real life is made to look perfect constantly. Real life is not perfect, it is LIFE, ever changing with ups and downs, with moments of clarity and happiness and moments of doubt, frustration and major major let down. Even for the people with the picture perfect lives. Especially for me. Pictures do not show all angles of a life, captions can never capture real moments. Put down your phone (once you're done reading this) and think about this: at the end of the day who do you spend the majority of your time with? Rather, all of your time? You. You are the only person who you live the entirety of your life with. With all of this time spent, do you know this person? Do you like this person? Is this person someone you would want to live the rest of your life with? These are questions that I am asking myself today & I will continue to ask myself. To be frank, today, right now, the answer is no. I am not always my biggest fan. I can be a douche. I have recently been told I am mean, and guess what? I can be really mean. I have and will continue to make mistakes, many many mistakes. As all humans do. The mistakes I have made have hurt people around me, they have shaped the lives and choices of people around me. And some mistakes have brought me sheer joy.

We are taught that choices, all choices, have consequences. Each choice is supposed to bring either a good or a bad consequence, right? Well, I do not fully believe that there is a right and wrong choice in life. Rather, I believe in good, better and best. The choices we make daily shape our lives. Can we make what we think is a good choice and have a bad outcome? Yes, we can. Because no matter how hard we try we can not force the hand of others, or the will of God to work in our favor. Do your best, be your best & hope that good things come to you. Live by the golden rule: do unto others as you would have done unto you. And if you're feeling really motivated add my rule to that: be someone, be true to you, and be nice to people, but don't let them be mean to you. The rest will work it's self out.

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