Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Getting Real: My Recent Break Up

I am single again.

wow. why is that so hard to say?

Up until a few weeks ago I thought I had it all figured out, I thought I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the man I thought I could marry. In the back of my mind I always had a tinge of doubt. Maybe it's because I see marriage as this thing off in a fantasy land, this abstract life I hear about & see people living, yet have no real understanding of what it is. It's a thing everyone else does. But not me. No way. That'll never happen to me.

Being a single, unmarried person, the concept of marriage of husband and wife is so foreign. It's like this special club you have to apply for and then wait patiently to get your invitation to. Being 27 in an LDS community, I feel I've been waiting longer than many for my "invite". & you better believe that up until recently I was ready with my RSVP.

I've been here before, twice actually. Thinking to myself this is it. This is everything I've been working for. This is what everyone's been talking about. I found the person I want to share my life with. In both previous cases hind sight has made me grateful that my invitation was lost somewhere in transit.

Now, lets back up here a bit.....

In the spring of last year I met the greatest human I have ever had the pleasure of having contact with. You may think I am exaggerating, or maybe being a bit bias (& maybe you're right), but many people can attest to the greatness of this human. Mimi Knowles (who has been mentioned & promoted for his incredible music here) came into my life when he and I were both in a serious state of struggle. He instantly became my best friend, and I became his solace in a time of need. Our friendship formed and matured faster than either of us expected or intended. I remember realizing the magnitude of his genuineness the night we met but not realizing how it would impact my life.

Fast forward a few months and by a few we  are talking 7 months...... the dust from his previous relationship had settled. & every moment I had spent with him I appreciated his existence more & more. After a lot of discussion,  months of patience (he reeeeally made me wait) and serious consideration on both sides Mimi told me he wanted to make me his girlfriend. and did so in a very public manner (those of you at Velour Battle of the Bands may have witnessed his public display of relationship status via the monologue in his R&B song. Cutest thing ever? yeah. totally was #swoon) This was the easiest and hardest decision I had made in a long time. I hadn't been a girlfriend in almost 3 years, I had no clue how to act. But we had spent a large majority of the past 7 months by each other's sides becoming partners in everything & being the biggest supporters of each other's dreams. I knew how difficult it was for Mimi to trust me after all he had been through, and he knew how long I had waited to finally be able to make the choice to be his significant other. We decided to take this step together and to see where it took us. No one was surprised when word surfaced that we were "official." Our relationship was relatively easy, I mean, in reality not much changed.  He was still my best friend, now we were just main stream. Public. Very public. It was probably annoying how in love we were, I'm sure of it. But we didn't care, we were smitten. & we worked very very well together. We seemed like the perfect couple.

Then abruptly, after 3 perfect seeming months, it ended.

So what happened? Did I do something wrong? Did I not do enough? What could I have done differently? Was I this, or that? All questions I asked myself and Mimi when told me he wasn't able to commit to our relationship any longer.

And he answered every question as a best friend should. Honestly.

To put it frankly Mimi chose music over me.

Not because he loves music more than me, per say, but he didn't feel he could give me the attention I needed and deserved because of his dedication to his music.

And that's okay. Yes, you heard me right, it's okay.

Many of you probably think I am crazy, or naive, or stupid. but I. don't. care. I believe in everything that man is doing. From the moment I met him I knew that music was his passion. That is was his dream. & his dreams have become my dreams. and I will never ask him to sacrifice something so dear to him. Not for me.

The devotion that man has to music and the dedication he has to succeed is why I am so in love with him. It's so inspiring. It's those qualities that he possesses that push me to work harder every day.

Mimi Knowles is still a very, very, very important person in my world. He will continue to be as long as he and I feel it is appropriate. For those of you who know us personally thank you for loving us, respecting us & supporting us through this transition. I am grateful for all of the kind words you have all shared & advice given. With that said, please do not take offense when we may not take said advice. I have been known to be pretty stubborn, and live by the motto "I do what I want." But know I love and appreciate you all nonetheless.

This may not make sense to you, and that's okay. You may not understand my purpose for writing this post, and that's okay. You may not even care what I have to say about all of this, and that too is okay. All I ask is that you continue to love, support, and understand that we will continue to do what we feel in our hearts is right. The love we share is incredible, we both know it and many people never get to experience what we have had. Some of you have referred to us soul mates, and maybe that's true. Some have said they want a love like ours. All I want for you is that love, it's very real. I don't know how this will all end, but I do know that Mimi Knowles makes me feel more alive than I have ever felt. he supports me when I need it most, and he loves me through all of my madness. and I am beyond grateful for the example of love, dedication and genuineness that he displays to not only me but everyone around him daily.

Not to get all Katy Perry on you, but finally after 27 years, falling in and out of love a few times, I have finally learned what unconditional love means. I thank Mimi for that. He said this in his lyric "..and I don't understand why we can't just be friends, cause we fall out of love, to fall back in again." I am sure I will continue to fall in and out of love with my best friend and I look forward to sharing in his dreams, cheering him on from the sidelines (or the front row) & having his support as my greatest friend.

Again thank you for all of your love and support.

I am grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for following and growing with me.



  1. I loved how honest and relatable this post was. You both are wonderful people- break ups are so hard and you're handling it with grace and maturity. Love to both of you :)

  2. Seriously woman I love you! You have a huge heart, mature soul, grace, poise AND you look good in everything!
    Ya'll have my support (whether you need it or not, lol)! Life takes us on many an unexpected journey and the love we give and receive along the way is what it's all about!

  3. One of the only blog posts I've ever read in its entirety. Thank you for opening up to us. XOXO


  4. Tara!
    You are so amazing for sharing this!
    I support you in whatever step you take next! And weather it's Mimi or John Doe on your side, as long as your happy, we are happy! Coming to your salon soon!
    Kat | www.poshbykat.com