Monday, November 10, 2014

Gratitude Pt.2 Lots of Love

Love is a funny thing you know......

This the subject of my gratitude in this post. Love comes in many ways. Everyone accepts and expresses love differently. It is a language that everyone can speak, but does your love translate the same to everyone?

I had always been obsessed with love, you know the whole I love love thing? I have wanted to be married for as long as I can remember. I knew for sure I was going to marry my high school boyfriend the moment he got back from his mission for the LDS church. We would start having babies right away and we would live the perfect life. Oh 16 year old Tara, bless your heart... I have been in and out of love a few times, each time loving deeper, harder, and differently than before. As we grow and learn to love the people around us (not just significant others) I feel like our capacity to love changes.

There have been times in my life where I have been completely incapable of love & there have been times that love has consumed me, and there are other times love is just like breathing.

As many of you know I recently got into a relationship with my best friend (again). *cue sappy love songs* For those of you who have shared well wishes, thank you so much for your support & sweet words. Although we have only been in a relationship a few short weeks (this time around), I can tell you all that I love this human, in a way that has never been so simple. If you know Mimi personally, or have ever had any contact with him you know how great of a human he is. His personality is infectious, and his capacity to love, despite all things, is incredible. For those of you who don't know him, take my word for it, he is pretty damn awesome! #boyfriendbrag I will not go into details about our relationship, when it started & what we've been through together & separately. But I will tell you this. I am able to love him the way that I do, not only because of who he is as a person, but because I love myself.

Self love is such a strange thing. It's finding a balance of knowing who you are & what you want, but not getting caught up in yourself. It took me a looooooooong time to find myself, and lets be real, I am finding new parts of myself everyday. If there is one thing I know about myself though, it's that I love Diet Coke (but what basic mormon girl doesn't, am I right?). But seriously, the struggle is real... self love can be a struggle, and it can be very real.

Going back to my loving love.. When I was in college (sooooo many years ago) I had a boyfriend, he was my life, so much so that when our on again off again relationship was off for good I was a disaster. I was convinced that he was my everything, and when I lost my everything I became nothing....... fast forward a year and a half.... New boy, new love, it felt so real, & it happened way too fast. 2 weeks after meeting we decided we wanted to marry each other. MARRY EACH OTHER AFTER 2 WEEKS?!? Okay, okay, I get that some humans legit "know" after 2 weeks but really Tara, that ain't you.....4 years of dating, off and on (it's this thing I do) I felt like I could never be who HE wanted me to be so I called it quits & relocated.... moral of the stories here?... I put my love and my identity into the hands of people who weren't sure they wanted me. Why? Because I wasn't sure if I wanted myself. I was so fixated on finding someone that I never took the time to BE someone. Read that again people, I was so fixated on finding someone, I never took the time to BE someone.

Where do we find love & how do we become someone? We can find both of these things by loving others. We find ourselves by losing ourselves to helping others find themselves. We find love in giving, in being, and in doing. Not to get all churchy, because lets be real, church things are still a struggle for me some days.... but we find love in knowing that someone lit.er.al.ly sacrificed their life for us to be happy. Jesus Christ sacrificed everything because he loves us. So in turn, can't we make small sacrifices love to others? (Sermon over)

There aren't many people who know this.. so consider yourselves knowers of privileged information, but I was having a really hard time a few months ago. Although things look great on social media most days, (I hate that stuff sometimes) I am a human. As much as I try to act like I can take on the world, life gets tough. The people closest to me know this all to well, but I lost myself.. again...I became obsessed with everything everyone else was doing: their successes, their weight losses, their engagements, baby announcements, wedding announcements, new job announcements, new social media followers, vacations, new shoes, delicious beverage choices, you name it, everyone BUT me had it. And one day I woke up and I told myself, to get over it. I reminded myself that I am bad ass, that I am talented, that I am capable of being loved more than I ever had been... and then everything changed. Why? Because my attitude changed. I chose to love myself and my life.

Love is a choice sometimes. You feel what you feel, but you have the choice everyday to love yourself and to love the person you are with.

I love my human so easily it's like breathing. And when I am gasping for the air to love myself I know he will breath the life into me again with his love. At least for today.

Love yourself, be your self, and lose yourself in showing love. & lets all be a little more grateful, eh?


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3 comments:

  1. okay this whole - "i was so focused on finding a person, i forgot to BE one" is literal perfection. i wish i could shout that from the mountaintops to so many people! this whole thing, just yes. you are such a bad ass & i am so happy about your love - with mimi and for yourself. let's lunch soon, yes?

    xo

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  2. You are such a beautiful human inside and out! These words are so perfect and reflect my entire past! You bad ass you... I just love ya!

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  3. love this post. seriously. I love the "I was so fixated on finding someone, I never took the time to BE someone." It's so true. I still have to remind myself that everyday. To not be defined by my husband, social media, what my friends are doing and what I'm not doing. I feel like when I try to find beautiful things in other people, it helps me figure out who I actually am.

    xo.

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