Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Real Talk: Tara is Single....again

Guess who is single...........

Does it super suck that I am 28 and people constantly ask why I am not married? Yeah, duh. Does it kill me every moment that I'm not planning a future with my best friend & soul mate? Obvi. But do I get up everyday & live my life & count the blessing I do have regardless of my relationship status? Hell, yes.

Being with someone does not & will not ever determine your worth, your intelligence or your ability to live a happy & fulfilled life. If you're living everyday of your life waiting for someone to come along & make you happy... Well you'll be waiting a while. Basically foooooorever. You are the only one who can determine your happiness. Sure, other factors (and influential others) can contribute to said happiness. When I have a very attractive, talented man telling me how beautiful I am, how perfect my body is (cellulite & all) and that I am intelligent, you better believe it feels damn good. When I go to work & my boss thanks me for all of my hard work & praises my awesome ideas it feels almost as good. But at the end of the day...when I come home and I lay in my bed at night, the only thing that really, truly matters is the way I see myself.

The mind is an incredibly terrible & wonderful thing. The thoughts we have can determine so many things in our lives. Thinking positive thoughts brings positive outcomes. Thinking negative, hurtful things can only lead to negative actions. Use your mind to control your heart. Train yourself to see the positive in yourself & that will come with a return of love.
Do you guys remember my post about self love? Well, I wrote that when my, then, perfect partner & I had decided to move forward with our lives together & date exclusively and very publicly. 3 short weeks later the man, who I still consider my soul mate, decided that a future together is not what he saw for his life.

You could only imagine how this affected me. I had many, many, many, many, so many feelings. But bottom line was, I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed that I was so openly and publicly in love with someone who did not reciprocate the feelings that I had. I felt unwanted and unworthy of any love in that moment. I thought, "if my best friend, the man who knew me and loved me more than anyone else didn't want me, and my future, would anyone else?" Ever?

Guys, breakups suck. Break ups with your best friend? Well, that's a whole new level of suck.

I can't act like this didn't shatter my world a bit. I won't sit here and tell you I went back to living my life like normal. I am a human. I do feel, and I feel a lot, and I feel deep. Though I will rarely show it. I hid myself & my feelings from everyone. I refused to tell anyone, because if I didn't say it, it wasn't real. Guys, I didn't even tell my mom!! (Sorry Mom) I had been here before. 9 months previous, with the same human, but this time was different. This time I knew it was over & that it was done. I did everything I could, gave every thing I had & sacrificed more than was expected  of me to this relationship. Time and time again. And with that knowledge I knew I could walk away proud that I loved as hard as I could. And I loved deeper than I ever thought possible. My love was not reciprocated. And for the first time in my life I understood & believed that my relationship ending had nothing to do with me.

 Am I perfect no? But did I love as perfectly as I could have? I hope so.  Do I feel like this soul mate of mine tried as hard as he could to love me the way I loved him? I hope so. I truly believe he did his best to show his love, loyalty & appreciation to me. And no matter what happens in both of our lives, I can say I will love & support anything & everything he does, near or far. He is the greatest man I have ever had the pleasure of sharing my life with. & I do not regret a single thing we shared.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you love them doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You are not too fat or too skinny, your hair isn't too long or short, you aren't too rich or poor. You aren't too successful, or not ambitious enough. Sometimes, you aren't supposed to end up with your soul mate. And as much as that sucks to hear, and as much as it hurts to realize it, it's okay. You are more than okay. You are you & that's incredible.

Love does not come to you just because you give it. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't love with everything you have. And yes, you may feel like you have nothing else to give after it's all said any done. But at least you can say you gave your all.

I gave my all. And I would, and will again.

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1 comment:

  1. Okay first off, LOVE your honesty, you speak so much like me, especially about's totally a cancer thing. Your Gratitude Pt.2 Lots of Love post literally sounds like me, I can't remember ever not dreaming about marriage and honestly believed I would marry my high school sweetheart as well hahaha. Hopeless romantics. But seriously breakups really do suck, but we survive them, over and over again we make it through and find another all consuming love all over again.

    xo, Jasmin