Sunday, February 7, 2016

The Real Ms Tara Brooke

6pm on a Sunday evening & I am makeup less & sitting in sweats, that for the first time in months I can squish my thighs into. My squishy tummy is pouring out of the top of the waistband and I am nursing a beverage that is supposed to burn my fat & enhance my mood... don't worry people I am not nursing my baby with this stuff pumping through my veins. I have the most beautiful (maybe I am bias but have you seen that face?) baby laying on the couch next to me cooing & kicking me in my side. I feel nothing. I feel the little feet tip tapping on my thighs, but inside I feel nothing. This is actually something I am grateful for at the moment. Why would anyone be grateful to feel nothing? Well it's a nice change from the constant anxiety and stress that has been overwhelming me. I do not write this post looking for sympathy or pity. Those are the last two things I need. I sit here expressing myself searching for clarity, and hoping that in some way I can relate to someone who is experiencing what I am feeling. I write this to let you all know why I am really here.

My baby is officially 12 weeks old today. She is a happy baby. She will smile back at you when you grin & she will answer your questions with gurggly noices and grunts. She will whine for her binkie the moment it leaves her lips & she will hold tight to your hands as you feed her with a bottle. Sounds like a dream baby right? Well she is. She really, really is. She was my little surprise, I may even go as far as saying she is the greatest mistake I have ever made. For those who don't know I became pregnant when me and my baby daddy were broken up. It was a major surprise to both of us. Hell, it was a surprise to EVERYONE! We announced our little surprise to the world & hoped for the best. The response we received was amazing. As my pregnancy progressed the support continued. As our little surprise made her debut into the world she already has so many people who loved and adored her & the love and adoration continues to grow as people meet her. Guys she really is the greatest little thing. When people meet her I always get a variation of the same questions...."Don't you just love her so much?"... "Aren't you just obsessed with her?".... "Do you just want to snuggle her all the time?" And of course I answer through a smile, that often is forced,"Oh yeah, totally." My insides struggle with forcing the words that often feel so fake. Shouldn't I love her sooooooo much? Shouldn't I be obsessed with her? Shouldn't I want to snuggle her every damn moment? That's what new moms are supposed to do right? Then why don't I feel it like all the time? 

I spent 8 hours at my salon yesterday hanging out with clients, with friends. I talked about life as a mom & about my adorable baby. I talked about my dreams as a human & a business woman. I barely thought of my baby unless I was speaking of her. 8 hours people. I felt like something was wrong with me when I didn't rush to hug and kiss her little face off when we were reunited. In the first moment that we WERE reunited i accidentally pinched her too hard & she screamed with terror like i had never heard before. I immediately started to cry. Okay, I sobbed, uncontrollably, clutching to my screaming baby, I soon was having a full on panic attack. I could not get my life together. Thankfully Mimi was there to console my injured infant. & finally me. From this moment on I could not get out of my own mind. I was the worst mom ever. My baby fell asleep & I prayed she would sleep through the night & cried myself to sleep feeling like a total failure. When I woke up I couldn't shake my saddness. I stayed in bed until noon, when I got up I was still on edge any word, any question would result in tears & over exaggerated feelings. I just couldn't be a mom today. More than that I couldn't be a human today. Unfortunately this wasn't the first time I felt this deep hurt & sadness. I have been a constant mess lately. Cool on the outside a bubbling stress case on the inside.  

Many of you know I am self employed, for those who don't well, now you know. It is the greatest and most terrible thing. I am blessed to have the freedom of making my own schedule, working from home, & taking the clients I want. I also have the stress of not having a steady income every 2 weeks. When clients cancel, I immediately worry if I will be able to make it through the month to pay my bills & to take care of my baby. Now, let me reiterate, I do not write this for pity, or for attention. I am writing this for clarity & to relate to some who may be going through the same experiences. Many of you who follow me here, on instagram, or on facebook, do not know the private details about my world, only a few of my closest friends actually do, because who wants to complain about things publicly to the world and look like a whiney baby? No one, and especially not my independent, strong willed, wont accept help from others, can never show signs of weakness, smile through the struggle, self. My curated instagram feed has been a place where I have shared the highlights of my life, like we all do. I try to be transparent and share truths about my journey as a new mom & I am so grateful for those who follow & give supportive cheers and knowledge along the way. You guys are why I do this. 

You guys are why I do this blogging thing. But guess what.... I forgot about you guys. my bad. I like many, have been caught up in the monitization of the blogging world. The counting my worth on my likes to followers conversion rate. Holy hell people. I have turned into a monster. January was a month of renewal, or goal setting and pushing yourself to be better. It's February, and while I have met many of my goals already as a business woman I have lost so much of myself in it. I spent the last two weeks obsessing over growing my following, growing my brand, comparing my brand to others, trying to be like them and obsessing over what I can do to make more money. Let me tell you it has been exhausting. While I believe in the hustle, oh honey, I believe. I have realized it has started to consume me. I spend feedings with my baby trying to balance her bottle and analyzing blogs on my phone at the same time. Who the hell am I?? 

I had a moment today, while I was in the drive through line at in n out waiting for my protein style burger (because I am off carbs to lose this stubborn baby weight) where I thought to myself, "ugh, the lighting is going to be terrible when I get home, how can I gram this meal with horrible lighting." WTF. I caught myself soon after that thought and realized this needed to stop. I needed to stop. Not stop blogging, but stop obsessing. We all need to stop obsessing, stop comparing and start living. The only person I should be comparing myself to is ME! Me today needs to be better than me yesterday. 

I am not the girl who will drop hella money at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, and then gram myself grabbing a frap as I get into my luxury vehicle. If you're looking for her, you're in the wrong place. But if you are looking for the girl who can be found with a diet coke in one hand and a baby carrier in the other in the sale section of target and forever 21 you're in the right place. Don't expect to see a bouquet of flowers arranged on my coffee table next to the newest Vogue magazine and some delicious smelling candle on my instagram, I am not fancy like that, I actually don't even like fresh flowers....But I promise to spare you the burp cloth, 3 binkies and ingenuity seat that IS currently on my coffee table, bc who wants to see that mess on insta? You'd all rather see my baby anyway!

As of today, my goals for my blog for 2016 are much much different than they were in the first month of the year, and we can all thank my many nervous breakdowns for that. Instead of goals to focus on growing my following, getting more likes & caring about my social popularity, I have the goal of being true to me, of sharing my life and experiences as a new mom with you, and also sharing MY style & my new lifestyle through the many changes my little family and body will be facing this year. I want to focus on helping others build their brands by shopping & repping small (but you know im'ma still be hitting that target sale section, diet coke in hand, ya feel?!). I want to support others by helping them reach their goals. I want to be a safe place & a friend to not only the people in my real life, but those of you in the social media world who will have me. I want to create and cultivate an online community that I can be proud to be apart of. Thats who I want to be & thats what im'ma do. So get ready for the true me, double chin and all. Because I am coming for ya! Oh and I'm bringing little Q with me bc days may be rough & sometimes I don't feel like the mom of the year but she IS my world & I am going to be the best me, so I can be the best for her.

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  1. You are amazing and inspiring. Honesty is the best and I know so many people can relate to a lot of this and Moms, to all of this!! So glad we are friends!!!

  2. I love truth. I love this. Bring it on! I like it. I am the target, Forever 21, H&M bargain girl too!